…but the kind of boyfriend that won’t leave you alone, is scared of your success, and gaslights you all the time.

Boo has Impostor Syndrome

I feel ya, Boo

We all have our demons, our imperfections, the things we can’t hide from. I think of those comics about depression with the cloud, or the dark blob, or whatever it is consistently hulking over the protagonist. Even in times of mirth, it lurks in the corner. I am fortunate enough to only suffer from situational depression, so that is not my reality. But, I have my own hulking cloud(s).

Depression Comic

Like this, but different (click for more)

Impostor Syndrome has been getting in my way for the majority of my life, though I only learned the name for it a few years ago. As we all know, there is comfort in knowing you’re not alone in something, in putting a name to it.

In order to do what I need to do (truly attempt to succeed, for those not keeping up), I need to chase away Impostor Syndrome. In order to do that, I am going to have to become self-indulgent (or more so than I already am). I have to self-promote. This makes me VERY uncomfortable. Who am I to think I am funny, or clever, or that I can create something of value? What if I promote something and it’s not as good as I think it is? What if I make no one laugh? Or think? Death.

Look guys, I apologize in advance if I’m not funny, or if what I have to say is trite, or if I can’t write. It’s okay if you think so. It’s okay if you roll your eyes every time you see a post from me. Just, please, keep it to yourself. Hide my feed, whatever you need to do (unless MAYBE what you have to say is incredibly constructive, then, I am interested). This is important because no matter what, I have to start ACTING like I believe that the shit I’m producing is worthwhile to someone, regardless of whether or not it actually is. Fake it ‘til you make it, right? If I keep believing and pretending, then it’s bound to eventually become true, right? RIGHT?

I have this subset of people in my life: a collection of friends, and family, and family friends who are really excellent cheerleaders. People who believe that I have talent, that I do good work, that I have great successes ahead of me. These people are beyond valuable. Whether they truly see something special or are just heavily biased by knowing me, I don’t care. These are the voices I need to listen to at this moment in my life. These are the voices I need to cling to, to try to drown out the voices of self-doubt that come with being an experiencer of Impostor Syndrome… and, to a degree, human. 

A brief flare-up

Last week, I made my public Instagram and Facebook page. At first, after I created the Insta I was feeling great, productive. Yea, I did a thing! But as the day wore on, I started feeling a bit anxious and doubtful. This ramped up considerably after I “shared” these with my network of friends. Who am I to think anyone’s interested? My writing is probably super mediocre and my photo-taking skills are lazy at best and certainly leave something to be desired.

Why does something like this, that should make me feel good, bring me down? I’m counting “likes,” and “follows,” taking each one that is missing personally. People are bored of my shit, they don’t want to read it or see it. I’ll never make it anywhere as long as I’m putting out content like this. And forget about the aesthetics of my website, Geocities called, they want their web design portfolio back. Ah, the things we say to try to talk ourselves out of risking the truly great rewards.

Rejection PTSD: When a generic rejection letter sends you spinning

I’ve gotta say, I spent many months not applying for nearly any opportunities because I was working on making and executing plans. Sure, there were a lot of times I labored over decisions and maybe doubted this or that choice, but in general, since I made the decision to make a move, my confidence has come roaring back. Perhaps this spike in confidence is because of the hiatus I took from putting myself out there, allowing myself to want, to seek (approval). 

In the past month or so, I have started applying to things and submitting writing to contests again because momma needs income, you know? Last month, I applied to a freelance gig that I was 100% qualified for. It was writing content for English Language Learning software. My original intent was to share the actual rejection letter with you, but it appears I deleted it rapidly to get it out of my face. But, fear not! I have this newer form letter that I received just last week:

Rejection Letter

They’re all the same, but they all sting a bit

These knock me down. I can’t help it. All the familiar feelings and doubts come flooding back. If I can’t land THIS gig, how will I land any others that may be more of a reach? The first letter (which I can’t find) very specifically said that my experience and qualifications do not match… but they do. I KNOW they do.

How easily something so simple can infiltrate your psyche. It gave me flashbacks… so many times I applied to this or that opportunity in Denver and got nothing back. How many times have I  been brushed aside or not considered? No bueno. It’s so so hard not to internalize this, especially after so many years of fielding various rejections or pure oversights.  

But, what actions can I take?

I know that perhaps my presentation could be a little better. This is a totally different presentation format than I’m used to. I’ve reached out to the appropriate people and asked advice. Perhaps I need to do a little more. I’ll hire someone to help me with the web design of my online portfolio, because it is something I struggle with, and apparently no one wants to dig through a Dropbox file. I’ll reach out to a couple of people via LinkedIn for advice on resume structure and pitch wording. It would be so easy to let this sink me because upon receiving these rejections, I immediately wanted to walk into the sea.

Oh, I still can’t get a job, it’s still completely hopeless. Nothing has changed.

But they were only a couple of gigs. Some with very unfortunately worded and triggering form letters. There will be others.

In the meantime, I will continue to create on my own terms. Maybe I’m not meant to create content for others, maybe there’s something else in store. Time will tell. Even if it’s not perfect, at least I’m still creating, right?

Dangers of seeking (or expecting) perfection

That reminds me. A reason I so rarely finish my own creative projects is that they aren’t perfect. It’s a symptom of this Impostor Syndrome; not wanting to put anything into the world that’s less than perfect, so instead, I put out nothing at all. This is one hurdle I am really trying to get over, especially with this blog and my social media. I had to really push myself to not wait for the perfect design or the perfect handle or the perfect anything. I knew I needed to start creating, regardless of perfection. As I continue to move forward, I will continue to learn and improve. It will get better. Doesn’t necessarily stop me from itching when I see this imperfect design or this imperfect blog structure, but I must push through! 

I would love to hear others’ stories of how they got over this debilitating mindset. For a while, I thought I had surmounted it. I was moving and doing and being! Can’t hold ME back. I ran out of fucks to give. But, they have started to crawl back. Get out of here, little fucks, I have no time for you.

Give no fucks! Be happy!

 

A couple more links about Impostor Syndrome: