Slytherins are known to be incredibly ambitious, and that traditionally hasn’t been a big problem of mine
Seven years ago, I would have laughed at you if you told me I’d climb mountains like these, and like it.
This is not me.
(Photo taken from PotterWiki)
My whole life I’ve been content not to reach. I have been content to phone it in. I never aspired to be an astronaut or an author or even a doctor or lawyer. I aspired to have a damn savings account. Maybe it’s because I was scared of failing. Maybe it’s because as a female I was hardwired to NOT shoot for the stars. Maybe it’s because I just didn’t want to work that hard. It’s definitely partially because growing up, we always lived paycheck-to-paycheck and I just didn’t want that to be my life. Above all, I wanted security.
Don’t get me wrong, I may not have been terribly ambitious, but I’ve always been crazy idealistic. I grew up before the recession when you could be anything you wanted to be… as long as you had a college degree. That piece of paper was the key to every professional open door. In fact, I landed a great, normal job soon after graduation. I enjoyed it, there was a future in it, I did well at it; but then three years in the recession hit and like so many others, I found myself laid off. Instead of doubling back and getting another job in that field, as I probably should have, I zoomed off to Spain to teach English. I was free from my cubicle! I was going to live my life! Who needs the job title and 401k when you have travel?
According to this girl, derailing my potential career for Spain was worth it
Admittedly, I was also blissfully unaware of what it was like to hunt for a job in a difficult market. I had gotten my last job mostly because of a zippy cover letter.
For a long time, I thought I was broken, that there was no fixing me. How do you rewire someone who is in their 30s and has always done things the same way? Seemed like… well, frankly it seemed like too much work.
Something special is starting to happen, though. I’m starting to retrain myself. If I think of something funny, I write that shit down. If I wake up at 6am and accidentally read an article that gets me going, I ignore the sensible voice that says, “Go the hell back to sleep, asshole,” and I start writing. This is kind of magical. A lot of what has been happening in the past few months is magical. And I’m gonna run with it.
Damn right I was
I think what has happened for the majority of my adult life was that I was so scared to try and fail at something monumental, that I’ve failed at the regular… regularly. Now, my only chance is to try to fail at something spectacular. At best, I J.K. Rowling the shit outta this. At worst, I fail hard and end up right back where I was. If I land somewhere in the middle, I have some great times and I build up a portfolio so maybe people have a reason to hire me for regular jobs.
Another problem I run into is that I’m a bit impetuous. Impatient. This is one of the reasons I couldn’t be an architect (though I thought about it), or a photographer. I don’t thrive on precision (in creating, in editing I can be super precise). My favorite art mediums are charcoal and pencil because they are always malleable. Luckily, writing is similarly malleable, if you have the time.
Just recently, I’m pretty sure I lightly annoyed a friend while playing mini golf because I wouldn’t take the appropriate time to set up my shots, thus leading to me being way over par. This is probably something I will need to work on, as much success involves precision, patience, and a finished product. But, for now, this is me.
I mapped out my hours
Since being away, I have gotten much, much, much better about writing every day, and capturing thoughts as they flit by. I’ve made a schedule, and while I don’t record my times and follow it to the minute, just knowing how I need to parse out my time has helped immensely.
It’s scary aiming for ambitions that were previously thought to be out of reach. It’s even scarier to re-train myself to depart from what I’ve always been taught leads to success and head toward what could lead me, in particular, to success. It’s like breaking and re-setting bones. Bones that, hopefully, I will soon be running on.
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