Katie Regan

Writer. Editor. Explorer. Creator.

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Adventures in Tourist Fatigue

August 6, 2018 / / 0 Comments

Galleria Vittorio Emmanuele II Milan

Traveling doesn’t have to mean seeing everything all the time

About a week into my stay in France, the homeowners came home for a week and encouraged me to take advantage of our location and do some traveling. How could I resist? I was in a part of the world I had never really been before, surrounded by cities I’d never seen. Why wouldn’t I pop away for a few days?

Milan Streets

Forget that I was staying in one of the most picturesque, peaceful, pastoral settings ever, or that I had just gotten into a really great productivity routine— I had to go! I spent some time mulling over where to go. Paris? Been there. Lyon? It’s close and new. But as I looked at the map, I couldn’t help but be seduced by one international border to the east. A country I hadn’t been to besides a short layover in the Rome airport where I ate McDonald’s. Italy.

Italy was right there. A few northern Italian towns were quite in reach. I settled on Milan. Then, I noticed that the route to Milan had me switching from a bus to a train in Turin, so why not spend a few days there as well? What was originally going to be a long weekend had somehow turned into a 6-day trip.

You see, I do this. If I am going to a new place, I tend to pack it in. How many days do I have? How can I efficiently see as much as I can in that amount of time? Especially when I’m traveling by myself and I don’t have to deal with the, “Well I don’t know, what do you want to do?” back and forths, I am a machine.

Milan Mermaid

This is not always a good thing. I’ll always remember when I went to Paris for four days in 2008. I slayed that city. I looked at the map, planned things out geographically, and swept through it like it was a game of Risk. By the time I hit the third day, I found myself far out in the gardens of Versailles, by Marie Antoinette’s little “hamlet,” and I realized, I had run myself into the ground. I felt weak, shaky, dehydrated. I had hit a wall, and I had a long way to travel back before I got to a solid seat, food, or water.

So, yes, I may be efficient. But, with no one to hold me back, I seek to conquer. Sometimes in the process, I also end up conquering myself.

Duomo Milan

I could tell this was starting to happen with the planning of Milan. As soon as I booked the transport and lodging, I got buyer’s remorse. I didn’t need to be gone for 6 days. Not only would I be losing out on productivity, but I would be spending a lot of money. This is silly.

So, I went to Milan. I did a LOT of walking around the city in the hot hot heat. I spent a lot of money, I wasted a lot of money (more on that in my next post). The city was beautiful. I really liked the vibe. People were friendly. I’ll talk more about the city specifically in another post, but the point is that I did Milan as I do. I used my two little feet to carry me on routes around the city where I could hit what I wanted to see. And by the end, I was exhausted and ready for a return to normalcy.

Milan Bosco Verticale

Once again, I had to remind myself that the whole purpose of this journey of mine is not to be a voracious tourist, knocking out city after city, doing ALL the activities. I am meant to be living for free, working on my stuff, and getting to experience places all around the world. Experience them like I live there, not like a tourist tornado. So, it’s okay to pass up this or that opportunity. It’s okay to not run around like a chicken with my head cut off.  For the foreseeable future, this is my actual life, not a trip.

 

Preconceived Notions: Southeastern France

July 25, 2018 / / 0 Comments
Bike Baguette Wine

I saw a lot of bikes, baguettes, and wine in my future.

I had some ideas about what a month in France would be like before I even got here

Katie in Paris

Nothing says “2008” like these sunglasses

It turns out that while in Tenerife and Berlin, I completely forgot to line up my Preconceived Notions post for my France house sit. As a result of being distracted by the beginning of my new lifestyle, it slipped my mind. This very short post will be me trying to dig into my memory and pull out what ideas I had about the area before I came here. I will do my best not to let my actual experience seep in. Sounds good, right?

Up until now, the only bit of France I had experienced was Paris about ten years ago. As I understand it, Paris is not a typical representation of the rest of France. This bodes well for me, as my handle on the French language, ESPECIALLY pronouncing it, is tenuous at best.

When considering the gig, I looked up the town of Annecy, as I knew it would be close by. It appeared to be quaint as hell.

Annecy Stock

This is what I saw when I looked up Annecy. Yes please.

The woman I am house sitting for had told me that I would be able to ride a bike around the various lakes. So, essentially what I expected of this location was biking around a lake with a baguette in my bike basket, wearing a striped dress. Then, when I wanted a break from biking, I would be sunbathing near and swimming in said lake.

Totally informed, right? I also imagined driving to locations and going on wonderful, beautiful hikes and bopping around to the surrounding cities. That’s really all I had. Well, that, and the following culturally accurate videos:  

 

Do we think I was right?

I’ve Never Been a Slytherin

July 20, 2018 / / 0 Comments

Slytherins are known to be incredibly ambitious, and that traditionally hasn’t been a big problem of mine

Colorado 14er Grays and Torreys

Seven years ago, I would have laughed at you if you told me I’d climb mountains like these, and like it.

Draco Malfoy

This is not me.
(Photo taken from PotterWiki)

My whole life I’ve been content not to reach. I have been content to phone it in. I never aspired to be an astronaut or an author or even a doctor or lawyer. I aspired to have a damn savings account. Maybe it’s because I was scared of failing. Maybe it’s because as a female I was hardwired to NOT shoot for the stars. Maybe it’s because I just didn’t want to work that hard. It’s definitely partially because growing up, we always lived paycheck-to-paycheck and I just didn’t want that to be my life. Above all, I wanted security.

Don’t get me wrong, I may not have been terribly ambitious, but I’ve always been crazy idealistic. I grew up before the recession when you could be anything you wanted to be… as long as you had a college degree. That piece of paper was the key to every professional open door. In fact, I landed a great, normal job soon after graduation. I enjoyed it, there was a future in it, I did well at it; but then three years in the recession hit and like so many others, I found myself laid off. Instead of doubling back and getting another job in that field, as I probably should have, I zoomed off to Spain to teach English. I was free from my cubicle! I was going to live my life! Who needs the job title and 401k when you have travel?

Cava Tast Catalunya

According to this girl, derailing my potential career for Spain was worth it

Admittedly, I was also blissfully unaware of what it was like to hunt for a job in a difficult market. I had gotten my last job mostly because of a zippy cover letter.

For a long time, I thought I was broken, that there was no fixing me. How do you rewire someone who is in their 30s and has always done things the same way? Seemed like… well, frankly it seemed like too much work.

Something special is starting to happen, though. I’m starting to retrain myself. If I think of something funny, I write that shit down. If I wake up at 6am and accidentally read an article that gets me going, I ignore the sensible voice that says, “Go the hell back to sleep, asshole,” and I start writing. This is kind of magical. A lot of what has been happening in the past few months is magical. And I’m gonna run with it.

Adolescent Tuba

Damn right I was

I think what has happened for the majority of my adult life was that I was so scared to try and fail at something monumental, that I’ve failed at the regular… regularly. Now, my only chance is to try to fail at something spectacular. At best, I J.K. Rowling the shit outta this. At worst, I fail hard and end up right back where I was. If I land somewhere in the middle, I have some great times and I build up a portfolio so maybe people have a reason to hire me for regular jobs.

Another problem I run into is that I’m a bit impetuous. Impatient. This is one of the reasons I couldn’t be an architect (though I thought about it), or a photographer. I don’t thrive on precision (in creating, in editing I can be super precise). My favorite art mediums are charcoal and pencil because they are always malleable. Luckily, writing is similarly malleable, if you have the time.

Just recently, I’m pretty sure I lightly annoyed a friend while playing mini golf because I wouldn’t take the appropriate time to set up my shots, thus leading to me being way over par. This is probably something I will need to work on, as much success involves precision, patience, and a finished product. But, for now, this is me.

Work schedule

I mapped out my hours

Since being away, I have gotten much, much, much better about writing every day, and capturing thoughts as they flit by. I’ve made a schedule, and while I don’t record my times and follow it to the minute, just knowing how I need to parse out my time has helped immensely.

It’s scary aiming for ambitions that were previously thought to be out of reach. It’s even scarier to re-train myself to depart from what I’ve always been taught leads to success and head toward what could lead me, in particular, to success. It’s like breaking and re-setting bones. Bones that, hopefully, I will soon be running on.

Impromptu Trip to Berlin

July 15, 2018 / / 0 Comments
Berlin Skyline

The sun sets over Berlin

What do you do when you have a few days in between house sits? You go to Berlin, of course! 

When my time in Tenerife was up, I had a few days before I had to be in France for my next house sit. Originally, I was going to just spend those nights in Geneva, since I had to fly there anyway. This plan quickly changed once I started looking into cheap lodging in Geneva. Guess what? Apparently, there is nothing cheap in Geneva. EVER.

Berlin Bridge

So, I pulled out the big guns, got on Skyscanner and started looking at where I could get to in Europe on the cheap. They have a beautiful feature where you can leave your destination open and they show you where you can go based on price. It came down to a few cities in Germany, and Brussels. All appealed to me as I had never been to any of these locations.

Everything came together when I talked to a friend of mine who was doing a wee Eurotrip of her own. Hey! She was going to be in Berlin on those dates too. No. Brainer.

What’d we see?

It was something of a last minute decision, so I wasn’t able to do the research I normally would when going to a new city (this seems to be a trend for me these days). Luckily for me, however, my buddy knew a local. This really takes the pressure off. Show me YOUR Berlin. Though of course, I kept oscillating between the desire to coast and have no control and being nervous about the idea of giving up control. Can’t win.

Berlin Wall

The Berlin Wall

At the end of the day, I didn’t get to do all the tourist tourist stuff (I don’t have a photo of Brandenburg Gate, for example), but we did do a lot of exploring. One day on foot, another day by bike. Sometimes I prefer this, I know I’m missing the sights, but I feel like I’m seeing the city.

Prices

I keep thinking that all European cities are going to be around the same in terms of priciness, with Barcelona being my control city (dangerous, as Barcelona is so affordable… or at least was in 2010). I keep learning time and time again that this is not the case. Berlin was a little pricier than I expected, everything was about 1-2 Euros more than I would have thought.

Did we Party?

The days are super long in summer (4 am-10:30 pm), which probably contributed to what I am affectionately calling my “tourist fatigue.” I had expected there to be more partying in Berlin, as its reputation had preceded it, AND I had pals to play with. After two weeks of near solitude, I was ready for it. However, it didn’t turn up that way. The first night, my buddies were too tired, the second night, I was too tired, and so on. Of course, the one night we DID manage to go hard was the night before I had a 7 am flight the next day.

Berlin Doner Kebab

Way too psyched about my kebab

Guess who accidentally set their alarm for 4:30 pm and did not get on that flight, making Berlin more expensive than Geneva would have been?  Just GUESS.

Eating

We had lots of good food during our time in Berlin. Upon arriving, I remembered hearing that Berlin is one of the best places in the world to get a Döner Kebab. I love me a Döner Kebab. I had three in four days. I want one right now. Dammit. Surprisingly, I didn’t have a lot of German food while there. The only wurst I had was curry. It’s such an international city that there are so many awesome cuisines available, and we took advantage of that. I go into detail about what and where we ate further down. 

Berlin Curry Wurst

Curry Wurst!

German Playgrounds?!

One thing that stood out to me that I have no pictures of were the playgrounds. The playgrounds were SO AWESOME. I felt jealous of German children, saddened for American children. Every playground looked really conducive to using your imagination. They had some really fun contraptions, obstacle courses, tire swings, pirate ships. They were not nearly as safe or vanilla as playgrounds in the US have become. I have no photos of these because I saw most of them as we were biking by. In lieu of taking photos, I did make sure to yell enthusiastically about each one. My companions were like “Do you want us to stop?” and I was like “…yes…” Everyone loves a woman in her mid-thirties kicking their children off the tire swing, right?

Language

I feel a little impotent being in a country where I don’t speak the language at all (I’m so used to Spanish speaking countries). When I am somewhere different, I like to at least try with the language but since it was such a last minute trip I wasn’t able to study as much as I normally would. It’s easy to get embarrassed when I do so poorly, but pretty much everywhere in Berlin, English was spoken, so it wasn’t a huge problem. It’s easy to feel a little inferior when I struggle in this way, but then I remember that there are SO many places where I don’t speak the language and it’s okay. People make it work every day. It’s all a part of traveling and pushing your boundaries. Just do everything with a smile, be gracious, and try try try. Learning at least a few words in the native tongue will help ingratiate yourself… plus it will help learn a bit about the culture too.  

Impressions

All in all, my impression of Berlin was that it was pretty German. The architecture was clean, basic, functional. Public transport was very easy and efficient. There were a lot of little different neighborhoods that all had their own personality, which I adore. It was easily navigable. I felt safe all the time. Lots of green, as they have a pretty robust park system.

I will say, after a few days of being a tourist, I am looking forward to moving on to France and resuming my laid-back and inexpensive lifestyle. The thoughts of mountains, lakes, and French food don’t hurt either.

Freischwimmer view

Lunch by the water at Freischwimmer

Stand-out Establishments:

Freischwimmer Beer

Beer by the water at Freischwimmer

Freischwimmer – Our lovely local pal took us here for lunch on our first day. It is a little spot right on the river. Great views. I wasn’t 100% sure what I was ordering (“frankfurter” apparently did not mean sausage), but what arrived was super fresh, super tasty, and unlike anything I had had before.

W-Der-Imbiss – When I first looked at the menu, I was a little disappointed. This restaurant is mainly vegan and vegetarian with some salmon options. However, once my salmon tacos arrived, I was more than pleased. They were VERY tasty and had VERY fresh ingredients. My meal came with four tacos and I had no problem putting them all in my face. This restaurant was also in a lovely part of town, worth a wander. Great shopping nearby as well.  

Monster Ronson Ichiban Karaoke – As the friend I was meeting was a karaoke friend, we obviously had to get to singing. Our other friend’s niece (who is rad as fuck) is studying in Berlin, so she took us to Monster Ronson’s, which is an LGBTQ karaoke establishment that was very conveniently located. Monday was Multisexual Box Hopping day, which essentially means that you can hop into any open box (karaoke room, you perverts) and that you have to be cool. Duh. We stuck to the main stage, but it was awesome. Sadly, this night my buddy was ready to jam but I was feeling tourist fatigue. Also, my tummy felt weird from not drinking water all day. As my pal said, “Why would I order water when I could order beer?” It’s weird being in a place that does not offer free water. Weird and detrimental to your health.

Yarok – One of the main reasons I can never give up Facebook (despite how detrimental it can be to mental health) is that it keeps me connected to people I wouldn’t be connected to otherwise. This time around, I was able to connect with an old friend from high school (Middle school? Elementary school? All.) who used to live in Berlin and was going to be there at the same time as me. Bad. Ass. So, he took us to Yarok, which was really tasty Syrian food. Everything was super yummy, they had nice patio seating, and I got to reconnect with a human I hadn’t seen in probably 20 years. A definite win.

Our hostess

Bar Zum Schmutzigen Hobby

The baby queen

Bar Zum Schmutzigen Hobby – We went to this place for their Wednesday night drag show. The location was super cool. It was in this little network of alleys that had various establishments throughout. Awesome scene. Everyone at the bar was super friendly. The drag show was top notch. I ended up in the running to be crowned “Supergay of the Night” due to my knowledge of the first few notes of an En Vogue song, but the prize went to someone who was actually super gay, which I guess is only fair. After the drag show, there was an epic dance party. I had so much fun, I missed my flight. There’s probably a lesson here if only I could see it.  

YAAM Berlin Jerk Chicken

Delicious jerk chicken at YAAM

YAAM (Young African Art Market) – My pal and I just managed to stumble upon this place. The boys were feeling a little sick and a little tired, so Dee and I decided to take a long walk to dinner to see some of the city. As we were walking, I did a double-take. We passed this little opening in some fencing, and upon peeking inside there were all these different food and drink stalls. Of course, we went in to explore. There were various stalls with foods and items from African countries. We happened to find a Jamaican stall (yes, I know that’s not African, but it was there), so even though we were on our way to dinner, we decided to split a plate of jerk chicken. Best decision ever. I feel like we only scratched the surface of this place. Check it out!

Pratergarten Berlin

The crowd at Pratergarten for the game

Biergartens – We went to a few Biergartens, all were lovely. I’m a little partial to the Biergarten in the Tiergarten (giant city park) as it is in the midst of leafy green trees situated next to a lovely lake. Prater Biergarten, where we watched the game where Germany was eliminated from the World Cup was also a good time. There are a variety of beers and snacks available and I could definitely see myself whiling away some afternoons in this fashion.

 

Tiergarten Biergarten

The Biergarten in the Tiergarten

Impostor Syndrome is my Boyfriend

July 3, 2018 / / 8 Comments

…but the kind of boyfriend that won’t leave you alone, is scared of your success, and gaslights you all the time.

Boo has Impostor Syndrome

I feel ya, Boo

We all have our demons, our imperfections, the things we can’t hide from. I think of those comics about depression with the cloud, or the dark blob, or whatever it is consistently hulking over the protagonist. Even in times of mirth, it lurks in the corner. I am fortunate enough to only suffer from situational depression, so that is not my reality. But, I have my own hulking cloud(s).

Depression Comic

Like this, but different (click for more)

Impostor Syndrome has been getting in my way for the majority of my life, though I only learned the name for it a few years ago. As we all know, there is comfort in knowing you’re not alone in something, in putting a name to it.

In order to do what I need to do (truly attempt to succeed, for those not keeping up), I need to chase away Impostor Syndrome. In order to do that, I am going to have to become self-indulgent (or more so than I already am). I have to self-promote. This makes me VERY uncomfortable. Who am I to think I am funny, or clever, or that I can create something of value? What if I promote something and it’s not as good as I think it is? What if I make no one laugh? Or think? Death.

Look guys, I apologize in advance if I’m not funny, or if what I have to say is trite, or if I can’t write. It’s okay if you think so. It’s okay if you roll your eyes every time you see a post from me. Just, please, keep it to yourself. Hide my feed, whatever you need to do (unless MAYBE what you have to say is incredibly constructive, then, I am interested). This is important because no matter what, I have to start ACTING like I believe that the shit I’m producing is worthwhile to someone, regardless of whether or not it actually is. Fake it ‘til you make it, right? If I keep believing and pretending, then it’s bound to eventually become true, right? RIGHT?

I have this subset of people in my life: a collection of friends, and family, and family friends who are really excellent cheerleaders. People who believe that I have talent, that I do good work, that I have great successes ahead of me. These people are beyond valuable. Whether they truly see something special or are just heavily biased by knowing me, I don’t care. These are the voices I need to listen to at this moment in my life. These are the voices I need to cling to, to try to drown out the voices of self-doubt that come with being an experiencer of Impostor Syndrome… and, to a degree, human. 

A brief flare-up

Last week, I made my public Instagram and Facebook page. At first, after I created the Insta I was feeling great, productive. Yea, I did a thing! But as the day wore on, I started feeling a bit anxious and doubtful. This ramped up considerably after I “shared” these with my network of friends. Who am I to think anyone’s interested? My writing is probably super mediocre and my photo-taking skills are lazy at best and certainly leave something to be desired.

Why does something like this, that should make me feel good, bring me down? I’m counting “likes,” and “follows,” taking each one that is missing personally. People are bored of my shit, they don’t want to read it or see it. I’ll never make it anywhere as long as I’m putting out content like this. And forget about the aesthetics of my website, Geocities called, they want their web design portfolio back. Ah, the things we say to try to talk ourselves out of risking the truly great rewards.

Rejection PTSD: When a generic rejection letter sends you spinning

I’ve gotta say, I spent many months not applying for nearly any opportunities because I was working on making and executing plans. Sure, there were a lot of times I labored over decisions and maybe doubted this or that choice, but in general, since I made the decision to make a move, my confidence has come roaring back. Perhaps this spike in confidence is because of the hiatus I took from putting myself out there, allowing myself to want, to seek (approval). 

In the past month or so, I have started applying to things and submitting writing to contests again because momma needs income, you know? Last month, I applied to a freelance gig that I was 100% qualified for. It was writing content for English Language Learning software. My original intent was to share the actual rejection letter with you, but it appears I deleted it rapidly to get it out of my face. But, fear not! I have this newer form letter that I received just last week:

Rejection Letter

They’re all the same, but they all sting a bit

These knock me down. I can’t help it. All the familiar feelings and doubts come flooding back. If I can’t land THIS gig, how will I land any others that may be more of a reach? The first letter (which I can’t find) very specifically said that my experience and qualifications do not match… but they do. I KNOW they do.

How easily something so simple can infiltrate your psyche. It gave me flashbacks… so many times I applied to this or that opportunity in Denver and got nothing back. How many times have I  been brushed aside or not considered? No bueno. It’s so so hard not to internalize this, especially after so many years of fielding various rejections or pure oversights.  

But, what actions can I take?

I know that perhaps my presentation could be a little better. This is a totally different presentation format than I’m used to. I’ve reached out to the appropriate people and asked advice. Perhaps I need to do a little more. I’ll hire someone to help me with the web design of my online portfolio, because it is something I struggle with, and apparently no one wants to dig through a Dropbox file. I’ll reach out to a couple of people via LinkedIn for advice on resume structure and pitch wording. It would be so easy to let this sink me because upon receiving these rejections, I immediately wanted to walk into the sea.

Oh, I still can’t get a job, it’s still completely hopeless. Nothing has changed.

But they were only a couple of gigs. Some with very unfortunately worded and triggering form letters. There will be others.

In the meantime, I will continue to create on my own terms. Maybe I’m not meant to create content for others, maybe there’s something else in store. Time will tell. Even if it’s not perfect, at least I’m still creating, right?

Dangers of seeking (or expecting) perfection

That reminds me. A reason I so rarely finish my own creative projects is that they aren’t perfect. It’s a symptom of this Impostor Syndrome; not wanting to put anything into the world that’s less than perfect, so instead, I put out nothing at all. This is one hurdle I am really trying to get over, especially with this blog and my social media. I had to really push myself to not wait for the perfect design or the perfect handle or the perfect anything. I knew I needed to start creating, regardless of perfection. As I continue to move forward, I will continue to learn and improve. It will get better. Doesn’t necessarily stop me from itching when I see this imperfect design or this imperfect blog structure, but I must push through! 

I would love to hear others’ stories of how they got over this debilitating mindset. For a while, I thought I had surmounted it. I was moving and doing and being! Can’t hold ME back. I ran out of fucks to give. But, they have started to crawl back. Get out of here, little fucks, I have no time for you.

Give no fucks! Be happy!

 

A couple more links about Impostor Syndrome:

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